The lyrics of the song “Say Something” capture the agony of loving someone who can’t or won’t love you back. I tried to hold on to my spouse and marriage, but eventually let go. There was a breaking point where I could no longer tolerate what was deeply broken, sick, and wrong. I came to the end of waiting, hoping, trying. Turns out, I had limitations to what I could endure and absorb. The end came after pleading for him to say something…. anything. If there was genuine remorse or effort or determination or steps in the right direction… I would have gone there with him.
It’s a process to say goodbye and travel alone. I feel small, scared, and unsure. With courage in my heart, I walk away and embrace a freedom that could only be found in giving up.
Three days after my divorce finalized, I drove to a cemetery to spend time. There was something in my soul that needed to connect with the tangible reality of death. My eyes drank in the brokenness and sorrow around me. Tombstones stood erect in reverence of what had been. As I read each one, I was confronted with loss. One year old children were buried in the ground. Their voices stilled. I paused at the grave of a 4 year old boy and broke down and cried as I thought about the tragedy. I noted the many husbands and wives departed from one another. Families torn apart. Even the trees had emptied their leaves which covered the ground beneath me and echoed loudly another death beneath my feet. For as far as I could see, there was loss. Here in death was a reflection of what I was experiencing in life… premature endings.